Not that I won’t have more films to watch, but so few I’ll probably just roll them in with my regular movie viewing.
THE HAUNTED AIRMAN (2006) is a clunker from the Beeb starring Robert Pattinson as an injured RAF flyer convinced something is very wrong at the private hospital where he’s recovering. Turns out it’s little more than a bad domestic drama, not worth the ominous buildup (and definitely not time travel—but I knew I was reaching). “You should look into my eyes when we toast. It’s rude not to.”
Despite the title, VAMPIRE TIME TRAVELERS (1998) only has a minor element of time travel when the heroine uses a time-jump spell to send a vampire forward into daylight, then later to try and crisis out the whole film (if only I could do the same with having watched it!). Otherwise this story of vampires in a sorority house is yet another hackjob where calling it amateurish insults amateurs. “The monster under the bed is letting me use his place for a little while.”
THE LOVERS (2015) has comatose Josh Hartnett relive his past life swashbuckling with the East India Company, which somehow enables his past-life love to jump forward and wake him up via quantum entanglement. Very reminiscent of the Sharpe films, except Hartnett is stiffly dull in the role, reducing this to a talking lamp (and anyway it only qualifies for the appendix). You wlll love with the full force of a woman’s heart.”
EXOTIC TIME MACHINE (1998) is a porn film in which a time-travel researcher gets accidentally hurled back to the court of Louis XVI, after which his partner/lover follows only to get stranded in Mughal India (harem time!). Research, unfortunately, showed there’s a lot more time-travel porn than I realized so I’ll simply go with putting it all in the appendix. “The only man you will ever make love to is me!”
A DENNIS THE MENACE CHRISTMAS (1998) is one I’d thought went the Wonderful Life route but instead it’s a Christmas Carol, with Robert Wagner’s Mr. Wilson getting the Christmas Guilt Trip to make him see he was a just as much a “menace” himself as a child. Unfortunately this incarnation of Dennis is too blandly sweet for me, and his troublemaking is so over-the-top it’s hard not to feel Wilson’s justified in hating him (or am I getting so old that this kind of destruction no longer seems funny?). Louise Fletcher plays Mrs. Wilson. “The Dennis Clause absolves my company of any coverage for any disasters caused by one Dennis Mitchell.”
This week’s winner—YESTERDAY’S TARGET (1996) holds up well as Daniel Baldwin, TK Carter and Stacey Haiduk discover they’re time traveling psis sent back by Professor X (or a reasonable facsimile) to avert Malcolm McDowell’s government agency from going Sentinel on mutants. Rewatching this, I wonder if it wasn’t intended as a possible pilot (if not there’s a lot of mythos for a one-shot); fun, with LeVar Burton stealing the show as a Clairvoyant of Doom. “I’ll let you know if I want bodies.”
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